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Friday, August 17, 2012

Fun

We have been trying to have fun this past week as I have felt better.

We went with our friends The Branton's to the Johnson County Fair last weekend. The highlight was all the animals and the cotton candy.

I think I like cotton candy as much as the kids. Colton wasn't sure what to think of his mommy.

Sister covered in cotton candy

The girls getting rides on their daddy's shoulders. Sister is slightly showing plumbers crack.


This week the kids and I went to Deanna Rose Farm with our friend Jessica and her kiddos.

Payton, Payton, Colton, Cohen and Cooper (we have a mouth full of names when we are together)



I am thankful that this week I am starting to feel normal. I even got up for my bootcamp today for the first time in almost 2 months, this Fall-like weather helps as well.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

First Trimester Blues

I wrote this post last week, when I was 12 weeks, tired of being sick. I was waiting to post a belly picture and it has taken this long to take a self-portrait. The reason my blogging has been very little the last few months is the reasons stated below. I am glad to say that now at 13 weeks I am feeling a little better every day. Instead of my whole day being yucky, I just have yucky moments. I know this too shall pass and better days are around the corner.

13.5 weeks
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I am going to try not to make this a whine fest, I like to look at the glass half full, but I have a really hard time with my 1st trimester. I experience not just morning sickness but "all-day-I-feel-like-I-am-going-to-loose-my-insides" sickness.

I won't go on and on with all the symptoms that bother me, but I have deducted that part of the reason I feel so yucky (besides a human being growing inside of me) is that I live a completely "unhealthy" lifestyle.

 I sleep. eat. sit.

Oh and make sure my kids survive the day. 

I really feel like a waste of space. A lump on the couch. 

I know this is a season, but it is hard for me. I can't work out (feel like I will vomit) and I don't get up early to have quiet time (I sleep until the kids wake me). Physical and Spiritual discipline keep me balanced in life. If this goes like other pregnancies, I should resume those things in my second trimester. I know some women are sick for 9 months, 3 months shouldn't kill me, but they are really hard for me.

Emotionally this has been a harder first trimester then the other 3. Mostly due to the recent miscarriage.  We found out we were pregnant with this baby a little over a week before our due date with the baby we lost. June was a hard month for me to begin with. I really wasn't ready to celebrate this life inside of me, as I was still mourning the loss of the one I will never hold this side of heaven. 

The other emotion I have struggled with this time around is frustration (close to anger). People tell me "oh it is good you are sick, that means the baby is growing healthy." True, but not guaranteed.  I was sick right up to 13 weeks with the baby we lost. At 13 weeks I instantly felt better and thought I had a quick transition into my 2nd trimester. Three weeks later we found out that was exactly when the baby stopped growing. So sickness does not guarantee anything. The frustration also arises when I think that I just went through a whole 1st trimester thing a few months ago. Remember the top of this post where I stated I really don't like the 1st trimester. 

I am so grateful that my body can carry a child. I am so thankful that I get pregnant easily. I do not take those things for granted. I know there are women who so badly desire to carry a baby, even if it means they are sick for 9 months. So I am quite aware of how blessed I am. I am just laying it out there, that the 1st trimester is very hard for me.


Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Fear crept in

Sunday afternoon I started bleeding, I am 13 weeks along.

Our last baby stopped growing at 13 weeks, we didn't discover it until 16 weeks.

When I saw the blood, fear crept over me. 

I tried to pray and trust God, but tears came, reliving the loss we experienced just a few short months ago. 

Bleeding isn't always bad, but the only other time I have ever bled in my other 3 pregnancies, was when we lost our baby. 

It took about 24 hours to get into my doctor, I battled going to the worst in my mind. I tend to be someone who sees the positive, but I almost prepared myself for the worst. I am so thankful for the family and friends who surrounded us in prayer. 

I am so grateful to say everything is fine. We heard a very strong heartbeat and my hormone levels are great. I have learned to not take a healthy baby and momma for granted. 

Praise God who forms every baby and knows the story it will live. Whether it be a shorter or longer story, God is in control, knows best and desires to bless us. I am so thankful for the blessing that continues to grow inside of me.