Thursday, August 16, 2012

First Trimester Blues

I wrote this post last week, when I was 12 weeks, tired of being sick. I was waiting to post a belly picture and it has taken this long to take a self-portrait. The reason my blogging has been very little the last few months is the reasons stated below. I am glad to say that now at 13 weeks I am feeling a little better every day. Instead of my whole day being yucky, I just have yucky moments. I know this too shall pass and better days are around the corner.

13.5 weeks

I am going to try not to make this a whine fest, I like to look at the glass half full, but I have a really hard time with my 1st trimester. I experience not just morning sickness but "all-day-I-feel-like-I-am-going-to-loose-my-insides" sickness.

I won't go on and on with all the symptoms that bother me, but I have deducted that part of the reason I feel so yucky (besides a human being growing inside of me) is that I live a completely "unhealthy" lifestyle.

 I sleep. eat. sit.

Oh and make sure my kids survive the day. 

I really feel like a waste of space. A lump on the couch. 

I know this is a season, but it is hard for me. I can't work out (feel like I will vomit) and I don't get up early to have quiet time (I sleep until the kids wake me). Physical and Spiritual discipline keep me balanced in life. If this goes like other pregnancies, I should resume those things in my second trimester. I know some women are sick for 9 months, 3 months shouldn't kill me, but they are really hard for me.

Emotionally this has been a harder first trimester then the other 3. Mostly due to the recent miscarriage.  We found out we were pregnant with this baby a little over a week before our due date with the baby we lost. June was a hard month for me to begin with. I really wasn't ready to celebrate this life inside of me, as I was still mourning the loss of the one I will never hold this side of heaven. 

The other emotion I have struggled with this time around is frustration (close to anger). People tell me "oh it is good you are sick, that means the baby is growing healthy." True, but not guaranteed.  I was sick right up to 13 weeks with the baby we lost. At 13 weeks I instantly felt better and thought I had a quick transition into my 2nd trimester. Three weeks later we found out that was exactly when the baby stopped growing. So sickness does not guarantee anything. The frustration also arises when I think that I just went through a whole 1st trimester thing a few months ago. Remember the top of this post where I stated I really don't like the 1st trimester. 

I am so grateful that my body can carry a child. I am so thankful that I get pregnant easily. I do not take those things for granted. I know there are women who so badly desire to carry a baby, even if it means they are sick for 9 months. So I am quite aware of how blessed I am. I am just laying it out there, that the 1st trimester is very hard for me.

1 comment:

  1. i can totally relate to this post. the first half of my pregnancies are rotten, too. it actually makes me miserable just thinking about it. lol. however, i am glad you are starting to feel better. we need to have another group playdate at my house this time. i agree with the sickness thing as well. i was sick (not as sick, but sick) with both of my miscarries. praying for a healthy baby and happy, healthy mama. :) p.s. you look adorable even if you feel sicker than a dog.