Things do not always go as planned.
Today I went in for a check-up, I am 16 weeks. This morning while getting dressed I was thinking how I needed to post a belly picture and brag about how I am not as big this time around. When I weighed in at the Dr I was feeling pretty proud that I had only gained a couple pounds, a significant amount less than either of my other 2 pregnancies . This breastfeeding and pregnant things isn't really that bad. I hadn't broken out the maternity pants yet, just using the good ole rubber band trick.
I went in to the Dr today because I have been lightly bleeding the last few days. My Dr wasn't alarmed last week when I spoke about it, stating that many women have light bleeding, but we would keep an eye on it. I got in today, because I wanted to double check everything before we leave this weekend for a vacation. If I haven't stated it before, I love my family Dr who squeezed me in. My insurance has been a mess (I have a maternity rider) so I am in between providers trying to decide between Hospital/Dr and Birthing Center/Midwife. So my family doc who does OB and deliver babies, got me in.
After checking in with the Dr and a few questions and measurements, we went upstairs to the ultrasound room. Elane (the tech) was great. We were chatting, explaining our situation and she pulled up the picture of our little baby. I could see the outline so well, it is amazing that little peanut is inside of me.
Then it happened, Elane was quite, I was searching. I could see the baby, but I didn't see a heartbeat. I told Elane that I didn't see a heart beat, was I missing something? In the most tender voice, she said she was looking for it. She spoke to the baby like it could hear her, saying "come on, where is it?"
That is when it hit me, our baby wasn't alive. The ife I had been dreaming about for the last few months, would not be. The tears flowed. Elane confirmed my suspicion. The baby had stopped growing about 3 weeks earlier about 13 weeks.
The next couple hours we waited as our Dr. spoke with a few different specialists, trying to figure out the course of action. I have a partial placenta previa, therefore I can not deliver the baby. I am too far along for a D&C, so I will be having a D&E (Dilation and Evacuation) which pretty much means the baby is too big for a D&C and some other measures need to be taken to get the baby out. Our Dr was hesitant to explain the difference when we asked, because the details of it.
D&E's are not common and very few doctors in the area actually preform them. We will actually be having a surgeon preform the procedure who is known for doing abortions. Understandably, he is the specialist for removing a baby after the first trimester. When I heard that, my prayers is that somehow we are a witness to him of God's grace and power.
God is so gracious in his timing. Dad was in town today for some meetings and was able to keep Payton all afternoon. The meetings (Steve was supposed to be a part of as well) were cancelled so Dad is staying with the kids tomorrow. We leave Sunday for a vacation, Steve and I alone without the kids for some of it, then time with my family. That time will be so wonderful.
I have such peace, I believe in God's faithfulness. This baby wasn't healthy, something wasn't right, it went to heaven a little early on my clock, but I trust God's plan which is bigger than my own.
I am so appreciative of everyone who has reached out to us. When I say this, it is true for me right now. I really am ok.
My heart hurt in that doctor's office, but maybe the rational side of me has taken over, maybe it is the confidence that my God wants what is best for me. I don't have all the answers, I don't need to. I have been laughing this evening, I have smiled watching my children play. I am so thankful for 2 healthy kiddos.
I don't know what tomorrow holds. Physically I really shouldn't be in too much pain from the procedure, it is the emotional recovery people talk about. So tomorrow I might not be ok, but I might be. I am thankful for my husband to walk this journey with, and family and friends who have already shown their love. Mostly, I am thankful to God, for the rich blessings in my life.