Monday, January 9, 2012

A different plan

Things do not always go as planned.

Today I went in for a check-up, I am 16 weeks. This morning while getting dressed I was thinking how I needed to post a belly picture and brag about how I am not as big this time around. When I weighed in at the Dr I was feeling pretty proud that I had only gained a couple pounds, a significant amount less than either of my other 2 pregnancies . This breastfeeding and pregnant things isn't really that bad. I hadn't broken out the maternity pants yet, just using the good ole rubber band trick. 

I went in to the Dr today because I have been lightly bleeding the last few days. My Dr wasn't alarmed last week when I spoke about it, stating that many women have light bleeding, but we would keep an eye on it. I got in today, because I wanted to double check everything before we leave this weekend for a vacation. If I haven't stated it before, I love my family Dr who squeezed me in. My insurance has been a mess (I have a maternity rider) so I am in between providers trying to decide between Hospital/Dr and Birthing Center/Midwife.  So my family doc who does OB and deliver babies, got me in.

After checking in with the Dr and a few questions and measurements, we went upstairs to the ultrasound room. Elane (the tech) was great. We were chatting, explaining our situation and she pulled up the picture of our little baby. I could see the outline so well, it is amazing that little peanut is inside of me. 

Then it happened, Elane was quite, I was searching. I could see the baby, but I didn't see a heartbeat. I told Elane that I didn't see a heart beat, was I missing something? In the most tender voice, she said she was looking for it. She spoke to the baby like it could hear her, saying "come on, where is it?" 

That is when it hit me, our baby wasn't alive. The ife I had been dreaming about for the last few months, would not be. The tears flowed. Elane confirmed my suspicion.  The baby had stopped growing about 3 weeks earlier about 13 weeks. 

The next couple hours we waited as our Dr. spoke with a few different specialists, trying to figure out the course of action. I have a partial placenta previa, therefore I can not deliver the baby. I am too far along for a D&C, so I will be having a D&E (Dilation and Evacuation) which pretty much means the baby is too big for a D&C and some other measures need to be taken to get the baby out. Our Dr was hesitant to explain the difference when we asked, because the details of it. 

D&E's are not common and very few doctors in the area actually preform them. We will actually be having a surgeon preform the procedure who is known for doing abortions. Understandably, he is the specialist for removing a baby after the first trimester. When I heard that, my prayers is that somehow we are a witness to him of God's grace and power. 

God is so gracious in his timing. Dad was in town today for some meetings and was able to keep Payton all afternoon. The meetings (Steve was supposed to be a part of as well) were cancelled so Dad is staying with the kids tomorrow. We leave Sunday for a vacation, Steve and I alone without the kids for some of it, then time with my family. That time will be so wonderful. 

I have such peace, I believe in God's faithfulness. This baby wasn't healthy, something wasn't right, it went to heaven a little early on my clock, but I trust God's plan which is bigger than my own.

I am so appreciative of everyone who has reached out to us. When I say this, it is true for me right now. I really am ok. 

My heart hurt in that doctor's office, but maybe the rational side of me has taken over, maybe it is the confidence that my God wants what is best for me. I don't have all the answers, I don't need to. I have been laughing this evening, I have smiled watching my children play. I am so thankful for 2 healthy kiddos. 

I don't know what tomorrow holds. Physically I really shouldn't be in too much pain from the procedure, it is the emotional recovery people talk about. So tomorrow I might not be ok, but I might be. I am thankful for my husband to walk this journey with, and family and friends who have already shown their love. Mostly, I am thankful to God, for the rich blessings in my life.


  1. Oh my goodness Erin. I am soooo sorry. That is such a sad thing to hear. I'm amazed at how well you are handling this. That's so cool you can still praise God for all he has already given you.I'll pray that you guys still feel this peace tomorrow. Love you guys!

  2. We're so sorry you have to suffer this loss and we love you, Erin, and grateful that God has all of you in His loving arms. His Grace is amazing and He'll help you see this through. God bless you, sweetie, be brave and be well.

  3. oh erin, i am so sorry for your loss. i will be praying for tomorrow to go smoothly and for a quick recovery. your faith in God and His timing is an ispiration. take care of yourself mama. sending hugs your way.

  4. So sorry to hear this. I lost a baby at 32 weeks. I had to deliver naturally. It was very rough. I have also had a miscarriage at 10 weeks. I was able to have a d&c. If you need to talk just facebook me. I have been there, but I to feel blessed that I have 4 healthy girls. I will be thinking of you and your family. Hang in there. :)

  5. Hey Erin,
    My heart hurts to read this. :( Please know I am saying prayers for you today and for your continued healing. Glory to God for the way you are already sharing your heart.
    Gal 6:2 Hugs to you.

  6. I believe in God's timing as well and I know he is taking good care of your entire family. I am blessed to have such strong believers as my friends. Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.

  7. I am soo sorry sweety!! I know what it is like and I know it is beyone painful! So thankful that you are trusting God's plan even if it is hard! Praying or y'all!!

  8. Erin,
    I am so sorry for your loss, I know that losing this baby is a hard thing to go through. Prayers for you and your family that God will bless you mightily and you can be a witness for Him during this time.
    Hugs to you, call if you need anything!

  9. Kristin and Jeff WrightJanuary 10, 2012 at 10:37 AM

    We are grieving with you all through this loss. We will be praying for peace and unconditional trust in God's soveriegnty and will. May he be brought all glory through this!

  10. Erin, I am SO sorry for you loss!! It is not easy, I know; we have been there twice. However, you are so right in that God knows best and it is the emotional healing that will take place. You are a strong and beautiful individual who, I know, will allow the Lord to strengthen you during this time. And, you have an amazing beautiful family. Draw close to them. You are in our prayers. Love you.. -ash

  11. Our prayers are with you in your grief.


    Rich & Tammy

  12. Erin, I'm glad that the procedure went well and that you are resting. My heart breaks for you and Steve as I read this. I pray that you will continue to experience peace and that you will feel the love and support of those around you. I wish I was in Kansas to love on you in person.

  13. Erin, I've been thinking and praying for you all day. You are one of the strongest women I know and your love and trust in God's plan in so inspirational. There is so much peace in even the most painful things we go through when we trust that He has this. I love you so much and will continue to pray for you guys. That little peanut is in such an amazing place now. Blessings of nothing but hope. -Lauren-

  14. Steve and Erin...we will, of course, be praying for you during this difficult time. We have a grandbaby that is waiting for us in heaven, Abigail Rhiannon, who would be about 3 now...almost the same situation. (Dave and Andrea Upchurch) Jesus will be holding that precious one of yours until you can get to him or her and that is some peace you can be assured of now. May God bless all of you and have a restful week on vacation. Our love..the Blumenkamps!!

  15. Erin, I am so sorry to read this, but I am in awe of your peace and calmness about the situation. I pray that everything went smoothly for you today and that your recovery is quick as well. Thinking about you!

  16. Erin you are such a strong woman of God and we are praying for you and Steve!

  17. I don't comment much, in fact I'm not sure if I have ever commented here, but I had to today. I just wanted you to know how my heart hurts for you and that I'm inspired by your faith through all of this. I'll continue to pray for healing, both physically and emotionally, for you and your family.