Monday, January 30, 2012

Back to reality

The post's title says it all, I have officially left my bubble and it is back to reality. 

Before I completely accept it, here are a few pics of our time in Florida. 

watching sunset on the beach
Before our dinner and dancing evening cruise (we were the only ones under 60 years old)
Sister going running with Grandpa and Mimi

Cousins playing dress up

We are quite aware that it is winter in Kansas. So we took complete advantage of being outside. 

My grandma is 90, she is looking good for her age, she loved watching the kids play

Lunches outside

Many trips to the playground (I promise they really do like swinging)

We got home on Friday and have hit the ground running. People keep asking me how I am doing, and my response is "really well." My disclaimer is that I have been in a bubble for almost 2 weeks. Physically I feel good, I go tomorrow for my 3-week post-op check up. I get tired some, but as long as I don't push it, I am fine. 

Emotionally I have been up and down since being home. I went to a girlfriend's baby shower Saturday morning and was fine. She is pregnant with her 3rd child, but lost a baby right before this pregnancy. Her STORY is very similar to mine. At church on Sunday morning I was talking to a girl that I had forgotten was pregnant (my brain is shot right now) and I was asking her about how far she was and her due date and she was so sweet and tender as she stated June 25th (my exact due date). Surprisingly, I was fine in that instance as well. Another girlfriend at church really encouraged me as she told me that she shared my story with a friend who also experienced lost and was encouraged by my story. That is a humbling experience, knowing that my story reached someone's heart. 

Then Sunday evening we had an intimate worship service to close out a week long fast our church did and that is where I lost it. Payton was with us for a bit (she had already been to Sunday school class all morning, so she joined us for worship until she got bored). Right before she left for class, we were given a few moments to thank God and I sat her on my lap explaining a few things to her then said we were going to thank God for making mommy all better. I reminded her how I was sick and had to go to the doctor, but God made my body all better. She immediately said "That's right, and the baby is sick, it's ok mommy, I will kiss the baby and it will be all better." She proceeded to kiss my stomach. Right after taking her to class, I returned and lost it, pouring my heart to God. I am so thankful that my story touches others, but I lost something so precious in the process. I believe God has and will continue to work this for good, but I envisioned my empty womb and our loss. (Side note, right before I had passed on in the doctors office he had down an ultrasound to make sure my uterus was clean. I have an image of the ultrasound from Monday with our baby, then one day later I saw another picture of my uterus empty, a concrete reminder of the life that was no more).

I wasn't only crying for our loss though. I was crying for gratitude for my life. My perspective has been different these last few weeks. I am so ever grateful for my God who said "Not now my daughter, I have you covered." I truly believe that He healed my body in a way that doesn't make sense scientifically. He has given my heart peace in a way that doesn't make sense for those who haven't experienced His peace before. My God has allowed me another day on this earth, that is a gift. So happy tears and sad tears rolled down my face all at the same time. I let myself go, I have only cried one other time that hard in the last few weeks. The worship was cleansing to my soul.

A friend from church shared that the song that was sang right after Steve had shared with the congregation about our miscarriage was sung by an artist who lost her baby right before she recorded it (that song was planned for our church service long before I miscarried). I looked up the story and the song again, let me leave you with these two videos. I am not sure if I will write more about this subject or not, like my title said, it is back to reality. Reality is I have a family that needs me. I have friends I love spending time with. I have a community I love being a part of, I have life and I will continue to live it to the fullest.

Here is the video of her story, if you have experienced the loss of a child, I would encourage you to watch this. 

Desert Song by Hillsong


  1. Erin, I'm sorry I didn't get to give you a hug this morning! I'm so glad you and Steve had the opportunity to get away and allow God to begin the healing process. You will continue to be in my prayers!

  2. This song totally helped me through too, as did "Blessed Be Your Name" - love!