Our Kids and motherhood

I am so blessed to be a mom to these kiddos

Some days are crazy, some days I have no patience, but some days I sit and soak them in. They are delightful little kids. 

Payton and Colton play so well together, sure they fight a lot, but they are supposed to do that and figure out how to work with others. Payton is such a big sister, mothering Colton and takes such pride in helping him out.  Colton loves to antagonize his big sister, I can see his scheming in his eyes and hiding behind his big grin. Presley is such a sweet addition to our family. She is such a happy content baby that right now just lights up when you look at her.

Our transition to 3 has been a really smooth one, so much easier then 1 to 2 for us. Colton was such a difficult baby that it had to get easier. Sometimes it is still crazy to me that I am a mom, let alone a mom to 3 kids. I was talking to one of my closest girlfriends the other day who has one little guy, we are both so passionate about parenting and have great conversations around the subject, while talking to her I realized how much I have grown as a mother and person over the last 4.5 years and how much I have learned with each addition. Becoming a mom was one of the biggest changes for me in life, I am a very different (and would dare to say better) person today because of what the Lord has taught me about myself through these 3 kids. Motherhood has been one of the most humbling things I have done, it has taken my eyes off of myself more than anything else. 

It has been almost 1.5 years since we miscarried and my life was on the line, I have a different appreciation for many things since then, especially each one of my children and sweet Presley Rae who we wouldn't have known if we hadn't gone through what we did. I am so grateful for our family.

I wrote the above post last week and hadn't gotten around to posting it until tonight. It is amazing what the difference of a year makes. It wasn't until I was getting ready for bed tonight that it hit me that one year ago today was our due date for the baby we lost. You can read the letter I wrote to our baby HERE. It hadn't even crossed my mind all day long. Losses are hard, but we can choose to dwell on them and grow bitter or sweetly remember and enjoy what we have in front of us, I choose the option #2.

What a difference a year makes

One year ago I was laying in the ICU, receiving a blood transfusion and fighting for my life (quite unaware how bad I really was). We had just miscarried at 16 weeks and my body was fighting itself after the surgery to remove our baby. You can read all about it HERE, HERE, HERE.

Fast forward a very rough year for me. If you somewhat follow me at all you know I have been on physical and emotional roller coasters this past year.  I was reflecting on the whole situation and I stand in such a place of gratitude. Grateful for my life, for God's hand so evident in my life and for perspective. I am more excited about the arrival of baby girl then I think I was for either of my other children. Not just because this pregnancy has been harder, but I have a new appreciation for every little healthy life. 

We are not promised an easy life. We will experience trials, but I believe there is a good God watching over us. I believe he walked so intimately with me during that loss and trial. I have a different appreciation for my relationship with him since that time. 

I was looking back over pictures of my trip with Steve to the beach right after our miscarriage and my health scare. Remember, the Lord had a trip on the calendar for just me and Steve (no kids) less than one week after I went through everything. I remember it being such a peaceful time, and even now looking back at the pictures I am overcome with peace. I was reading THIS post about our time and came across this quote again that a girlfriend had text me while at the beach

"When we give God the highest glory, He gives us His deepest peace"

God was so faithful, we did our best to glorify him throughout the process and he was so good to give us such deep rooted peace. 

So here we sit a year later, grateful, humbled, forever changed.

First Trimester Blues

I wrote this post last week, when I was 12 weeks, tired of being sick. I was waiting to post a belly picture and it has taken this long to take a self-portrait. The reason my blogging has been very little the last few months is the reasons stated below. I am glad to say that now at 13 weeks I am feeling a little better every day. Instead of my whole day being yucky, I just have yucky moments. I know this too shall pass and better days are around the corner.

13.5 weeks

____________________

I am going to try not to make this a whine fest, I like to look at the glass half full, but I have a really hard time with my 1st trimester. I experience not just morning sickness but "all-day-I-feel-like-I-am-going-to-loose-my-insides" sickness.

I won't go on and on with all the symptoms that bother me, but I have deducted that part of the reason I feel so yucky (besides a human being growing inside of me) is that I live a completely "unhealthy" lifestyle.

 I sleep. eat. sit.

Oh and make sure my kids survive the day. 

I really feel like a waste of space. A lump on the couch. 

I know this is a season, but it is hard for me. I can't work out (feel like I will vomit) and I don't get up early to have quiet time (I sleep until the kids wake me). Physical and Spiritual discipline keep me balanced in life. If this goes like other pregnancies, I should resume those things in my second trimester. I know some women are sick for 9 months, 3 months shouldn't kill me, but they are really hard for me.

Emotionally this has been a harder first trimester then the other 3. Mostly due to the recent miscarriage.  We found out we were pregnant with this baby a little over a week before our due date with the baby we lost. June was a hard month for me to begin with. I really wasn't ready to celebrate this life inside of me, as I was still mourning the loss of the one I will never hold this side of heaven. 

The other emotion I have struggled with this time around is frustration (close to anger). People tell me "oh it is good you are sick, that means the baby is growing healthy." True, but not guaranteed.  I was sick right up to 13 weeks with the baby we lost. At 13 weeks I instantly felt better and thought I had a quick transition into my 2nd trimester. Three weeks later we found out that was exactly when the baby stopped growing. So sickness does not guarantee anything. The frustration also arises when I think that I just went through a whole 1st trimester thing a few months ago. Remember the top of this post where I stated I really don't like the 1st trimester. 

I am so grateful that my body can carry a child. I am so thankful that I get pregnant easily. I do not take those things for granted. I know there are women who so badly desire to carry a baby, even if it means they are sick for 9 months. So I am quite aware of how blessed I am. I am just laying it out there, that the 1st trimester is very hard for me.

Fear crept in

Sunday afternoon I started bleeding, I am 13 weeks along.

Our last baby stopped growing at 13 weeks, we didn't discover it until 16 weeks.

When I saw the blood, fear crept over me. 

I tried to pray and trust God, but tears came, reliving the loss we experienced just a few short months ago. 

Bleeding isn't always bad, but the only other time I have ever bled in my other 3 pregnancies, was when we lost our baby. 

It took about 24 hours to get into my doctor, I battled going to the worst in my mind. I tend to be someone who sees the positive, but I almost prepared myself for the worst. I am so thankful for the family and friends who surrounded us in prayer. 

I am so grateful to say everything is fine. We heard a very strong heartbeat and my hormone levels are great. I have learned to not take a healthy baby and momma for granted. 

Praise God who forms every baby and knows the story it will live. Whether it be a shorter or longer story, God is in control, knows best and desires to bless us. I am so thankful for the blessing that continues to grow inside of me.

Dear Baby

Dear Baby Stevie-
      Oh sweet baby of mine, today (June 25th) was your due date. My heart aches that I will not hold you this side of heaven. What a sweet thought to know that 5 months ago the first person you ever saw when you opened your eyes was the precious face of Jesus. There is no better place to be, wrapped in the arms of the one who created you. Thankfully, you will never face the pains of this earth, but unfortunately your family will never enjoy your laughter and smile. 

This month has been hard for me. I knew this day was approaching and I have had some tough days. I don't think I got to fully mourn your loss when we lost you because my health was so at risk. Now that I am healthy, I am more aware of our loss. Beautiful healthy babies are being born this week all around me. It is a reminder of what we will not experience with you on this earth.

Your daddy and sister referred to you as "Baby Stevie" while you were growing inside of me. That name has stuck and you will be forever Baby Stevie. I really believe in my heart that you are a girl, one day we will know.

I know you are playing in heaven and I believe one day I will see your smile, wrap my arms around you and smother you with kisses. I look forward to that day.

I love you-
Your mommy

Running with the Cows

No I am not calling my friends cows, a few girlfriends and I ran a 1/2 marathon this past weekend called Running with the Cows. It was out in the country, but we saw a lot more horses then cows.

After our miscarriage I decided I wanted to take advantage of the time I wasn't pregnant or breastfeeding and do something for myself. I have been a runner for a long time. But since living in KS for the last 4 years I have used pregnancy and cold weather as an excuse to not run consistently. I have been thankful that I have a few ladies who like to get up before the sun with me for bootcamp, so I have exercised since living her, just not run. I know myself well enough that for me to push myself, I need a goal. I needed a race on the calendar. This 1/2 marathon was good timing with training and chances of good weather, so I recruited a few girlfriends and we were off training.

Well, sort of training. Our self-made "program" only really consisted of long runs on the weekend. I did bootcamp in the week and some short runs. The long runs felt great though. Every Saturday after returning from a long run, I had energy and felt great. I really felt like I found a part of myself again. Running was something I always did with my dad, so I also enjoyed connecting with my dad about my runs as well (and running with him while in Florida). Side note here: my dad is stinkin fast for someone who is almost 60. He worked me over.

Running was therapeutic for me. I felt like I had accomplished so much. We only really trained for 7 weeks, but the 11 miler a few weeks ago felt great, so I figured I would be set for the race.

Well the race was much harder than I expected. I could have blamed it on many different variables, but I did tell myself during the run that if it was easy, everyone would be doing it. Pushing yourself isn't supposed to be easy. 

I partly did this run out of gratitude for my health. 4 months ago I could have died, my body lost almost 40% of it's blood in 7 hours, and Saturday I ran a 13.1 miles.  Steve prayed for me Friday night, thanking the Lord for my life and my health, I prayed that prayer many times especially between miles 10-13, when I was hurting badly. Yesterday, I saw a blog post from a family where the mother died giving birthday to baby #3, the dad is left with 2 little boys and a newborn baby girl. I was brought to tears, because that so easily could have been Steve's reality.

I am a competitor. This run was an out and back, I was able to see all the people in front of me. Part of me thought, "oh I should push myself harder in training and run races faster." The humbling part of running a race for me is that there are people of all shapes, sizes and ages who the human eye would not consider to "look" very athletic and they are kicking my tail in the run. Even looking at the race results in my age category, the competitor rises up. 

Then I remind myself, that isn't me anymore. I don't need to prove something (not saying others are), I am not willing to sacrifice balance and family time to push myself to be a better runner. I am a middle-of-the-pack runner, that is ok. I finished in 2:08, under my goal of 2:10, so what if over 500 people finished in front of me, I finished. I set a goal and I finished. I can't compare to others, I know myself, what I wanted and I choose to focus on being proud of that. 

I will keep running, and I want to run more races, and when I finish in the middle-of-the-pack (and look terrible finishing because I hurt so badly), that is ok. I will run and I will finish.

There was no striding it out, or finishing with good form, this was feet away from the finish line and I was hunched over, praying for the finish line to come quickly

With all our families

Both the Payton's with the cow

Back to reality

The post's title says it all, I have officially left my bubble and it is back to reality. 

Before I completely accept it, here are a few pics of our time in Florida. 

watching sunset on the beach

Before our dinner and dancing evening cruise (we were the only ones under 60 years old)

Sister going running with Grandpa and Mimi

Cousins playing dress up

We are quite aware that it is winter in Kansas. So we took complete advantage of being outside. 

My grandma is 90, she is looking good for her age, she loved watching the kids play

Lunches outside

Many trips to the playground (I promise they really do like swinging)

We got home on Friday and have hit the ground running. People keep asking me how I am doing, and my response is "really well." My disclaimer is that I have been in a bubble for almost 2 weeks. Physically I feel good, I go tomorrow for my 3-week post-op check up. I get tired some, but as long as I don't push it, I am fine. 

Emotionally I have been up and down since being home. I went to a girlfriend's baby shower Saturday morning and was fine. She is pregnant with her 3rd child, but lost a baby right before this pregnancy. Her STORY is very similar to mine. At church on Sunday morning I was talking to a girl that I had forgotten was pregnant (my brain is shot right now) and I was asking her about how far she was and her due date and she was so sweet and tender as she stated June 25th (my exact due date). Surprisingly, I was fine in that instance as well. Another girlfriend at church really encouraged me as she told me that she shared my story with a friend who also experienced lost and was encouraged by my story. That is a humbling experience, knowing that my story reached someone's heart. 

Then Sunday evening we had an intimate worship service to close out a week long fast our church did and that is where I lost it. Payton was with us for a bit (she had already been to Sunday school class all morning, so she joined us for worship until she got bored). Right before she left for class, we were given a few moments to thank God and I sat her on my lap explaining a few things to her then said we were going to thank God for making mommy all better. I reminded her how I was sick and had to go to the doctor, but God made my body all better. She immediately said "That's right, and the baby is sick, it's ok mommy, I will kiss the baby and it will be all better." She proceeded to kiss my stomach. Right after taking her to class, I returned and lost it, pouring my heart to God. I am so thankful that my story touches others, but I lost something so precious in the process. I believe God has and will continue to work this for good, but I envisioned my empty womb and our loss. (Side note, right before I had passed on in the doctors office he had down an ultrasound to make sure my uterus was clean. I have an image of the ultrasound from Monday with our baby, then one day later I saw another picture of my uterus empty, a concrete reminder of the life that was no more).

I wasn't only crying for our loss though. I was crying for gratitude for my life. My perspective has been different these last few weeks. I am so ever grateful for my God who said "Not now my daughter, I have you covered." I truly believe that He healed my body in a way that doesn't make sense scientifically. He has given my heart peace in a way that doesn't make sense for those who haven't experienced His peace before. My God has allowed me another day on this earth, that is a gift. So happy tears and sad tears rolled down my face all at the same time. I let myself go, I have only cried one other time that hard in the last few weeks. The worship was cleansing to my soul.

A friend from church shared that the song that was sang right after Steve had shared with the congregation about our miscarriage was sung by an artist who lost her baby right before she recorded it (that song was planned for our church service long before I miscarried). I looked up the story and the song again, let me leave you with these two videos. I am not sure if I will write more about this subject or not, like my title said, it is back to reality. Reality is I have a family that needs me. I have friends I love spending time with. I have a community I love being a part of, I have life and I will continue to live it to the fullest.

Here is the video of her story, if you have experienced the loss of a child, I would encourage you to watch this. 

Desert Song by Hillsong

Resting

Steve and I have been loving the beach. God is so good that He had this scheduled for us to rest here instead of the cold Midwest. Physically I have had a few reminders of what I went through last week. I feel great most of the day, but my body has told me when I have pushed it too far. Just going to church and being up doing things Sunday morning, my body was worn out by mid-day. Our first morning at the beach we got up and took a walk right away, my body wouldn't let me go go that far. Ironically I forgot my running shoes (would like to say that I surely wouldn't have run, but it was in the back of my mind), I think that was God reminding me to rest :)

Steve said he is glad that my body won't let me do so much, forcing me to rest. I think I have the false sense of health since I really do feel great most of the time. Steve reminds me I lost almost 40% of my blood, the body needs time to heal. Our family doctor keeps texting Steve checking on me and Steve asks him for permission for me to do things (like go deep sea fishing on Friday).

I really can't say how grateful I am for this time as husband and wife to laugh together and cry together. I have had such fun with my best friend. Today we read the journal that Steve had written for our baby (Steve has a journal for each of our children that he writes in from the time we know we are pregnant). His prayer for our baby was it would know it has a destiny, that it is meant for a purpose for this time in God's story. I couldn't help but think that this baby's life was very short lived, but it served it's purpose at this time in God's story. We are so humbled that our story has touched, encouraged and challenged so many others. This baby's life had a purpose! Now it rests in the arms of Jesus!

I have had some emotional triggers this last week. I have some wonderful girlfriends that are due within weeks and even days of my due date. As much as I love those ladies (who have also experienced loss and trials in pregnancy) I have been brought to tears because of the reminder of what we have lost. I am sure there will be many more triggers, that is part of the healing process, we will take each one as they come.

The following quote a girlfriend text me the other day and it is so applicable for our current journey we are on.

"When we give God the highest glory, He gives us His deepest peace" Pastor Steven Furtick

God has been so faithful to us. He has blessed us way beyond what we deserve. Not only has He had his hand of protection over us (the more medical people we talk to the more we realize how series and dangerous DIC is, many people are not as fortunate as me) but one of the greatest gifts we have received from the Lord is peace. Peace throughout and over this whole situation. That is a supernatural gift.

A whirlwind

That is what the last 60 hours of my life has been.

A whirlwind

Thank you to everyone who has been praying, I believe God has answered those prayer over and over again. If you haven't read the recent happenings, read HERE and HERE.

Let me provide a little more detail (for those who care and for my memory as well). After my D&E (not D&C that is more common) Tuesday, I came home feeling great, just bleeding a lot. I didn't understand the magnitude of blood loss at that time, but it wasn't good. After talking a few times with the Dr and nurses, we were just waiting to see if my body would start healing itself. Finally at 6pm the Dr who preformed our surgery (the one I asked specifically for prayer for) called us and asked us to meet him at his office to check a few things to see why I was bleeding. As I got out of the van to enter his office, blood gushed out of me all over the ground. I had this happen a few other times in the day. I felt like one of Steve's deer that he kills that just leak blood everywhere (not a pretty image, I know).

After examining me in the office, he said we needed to go to the ER for further testing. A sure sign for him was both of my hands and one arm were swollen and bruised where they had taken blood or inserted IV's earlier in the day.  As I got up from the exam table I fell to the ground. Steve picked me up and I collapsed once again, this time I might have blacked out for a moment.  That is what earned me my first ride in the ambulance. I was very coherent at this point and joking the EMT riding with me. Steve said that moment watching me tied to a gurney and placed in the ambulance was one of the scariest things he has ever experienced.

Once in the ER, I had people swarming me, hooking up more IV's, getting me into a hospital gown, swarming all around. The ironic things is throughout the whole process, I really never was in pain. I was talking and joking with most of the staff. Let me put my gratitude in here for all you amazing medical personnel who save peoples lives daily.

They determined I had DIC (Disseminated intravascular coagulation). Layman terms, my blood was not clotting, so I kept bleeding. The hematologist guesses I lost between 30-40% of my blood in 7 hours, causing the fainting episode. I guess I looked really bad in the ER, Steve and my dad thought it was a good things I couldn't see myself, as I might have realized how bad off I was.

I was eventually moved into ICU so I could receive a blood transfusion, frozen plasma, cyro (for clotting) and all sorts of other stuff. I had to have at least 20 bags of stuff injected into my body.  That was a rough night, as someone was touching or poking me every 15 minutes. I am so thankful thought for the nursing staff who took care of me.

Many people thought I would be in ICU for much longer than I was. By morning my blood levels had somewhat "normalized" and I was released by 11 am to go home. I do believe it is God's hand of healing that helped me recover so quickly, as well as me being young and healthy they could pump me full real fast. My body responded better than anyone would have imagined.

The hematologists things that my body was fighting itself. Since the baby was inside of me but hadn't grown in three weeks, it was starting to break apart and liquify. My body started using things (not a medical term) from my blood/body to fight off this foreign object inside of me. Once the baby was removed, my body was all messed up and my blood didn't have everything it needed to heal itself. Scary thing is that kind of things killed women before medicine and technology improved.  

I have been home resting now.  Taking it easy physically. Steve made a good point that we really haven't even had time to mourn the loss of our child, within 30 hours of finding out we had even miscarried, I was being rushed to the hospital. At that point my health became the priority. Steve and I have some time away by ourselves this next week (planned months ago) and we are so excited for the time to be husband and wife and to mourn our loss and count our blessings together.

A verse a friend shared with me the morning I was going into procedure that spoke to me

Psalm 46

  For the director of music. Of the Sons of Korah. According to alamoth. A song.

 1 God is our refuge and strength,
   an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
   and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
   and the mountains quake with their surging.

 4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
   the holy place where the Most High dwells.
5 God is within her, she will not fall;
   God will help her at break of day.
6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
   he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

 7 The LORD Almighty is with us;
   the God of Jacob is our fortress.

 8 Come and see what the LORD has done,
   the desolations he has brought on the earth.
9 He makes wars cease
   to the ends of the earth.
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
   he burns the shields with fire.
10 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
   I will be exalted among the nations,
   I will be exalted in the earth.”

 11 The LORD Almighty is with us;
   the God of Jacob is our fortress.

I so believe God's providential hand was covering our situation. I am so thankful for the ways he has protected me. Here are some of the ways I know God was alive and active in the process

• We have become close enough with our family doctor that we were able to text  him Sunday and he squeezed us into his schedule
• Dad was in town for meetings and was able to jump right in and take care of the kids
• The ultrasound tech gracefully handled the situation with professionalism and care
• Our family doctor called around and got the name of the OB who did my procedure (D&E's are uncommon, there are only a few doctors in the area that do them)
• Dr. Hodes is one of the best and he got us in for early Tuesday morning
• I did not experience any cramping or nausea from the D&E
• Dr. Hodes called us Tuesday evening to come meet him at his office after hours (doctors don't often do that). Our friends happen to be at our house dropping off dinner and they were able to stay with the kids as we went back to the Dr.
• Once at the hospital we have 2 friends that are nurses that both happen to be working during our stay and both were a great help.
• Dr. Hodes stayed with us in the ER until 10pm (remember we met him for the first time at morning). During the down time in the ER, my dad and Steve were able to have some great conversations with Dr. Hodes ( I really believe he might be part of the good things that come out of this experience)
• My in-laws live withing driving distance and were able to get here in time for my dad to fly home.
• My body responded better than anyone imagined. The wonderful physician who created my body is the only one who has control over that
• I know there are more areas we saw the Lord's hand at work, but my memory seems to be failing me a lot right now.

That is the long version of my physical healing. As far as the emotional healing, I am really relying on the Lord for that. I have already had a few "reminders" of our new reality that have been painful for me. But I do not overlook the fact that I have 2 amazingly healthy children. I really don't understand the loss of a child for a woman who hasn't been able to conceive, or whom has had multiple miscarriages. I am blessed beyond what I deserve. I want to honor and grieve the loss of a life, but not at the sacrifice of what I have right in front of me. I have experienced loss, we all experience loss at sometime in our lives. Loss looks different for each of us, but no matter the situation, there is a God who is in control and is faithful to lavish His love and blessings upon us.

Isaiah 41:10 
fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Thank you all for the prayers, words of encouragement, meals and support. We are so grateful for those we have in our lives. 

A day of firsts

Yesterday I had a day of firsts

- had my first surgical procedure

- had my baby's dead body taken out of body

- was totally knocked out with drugs

- recovered with no nausea or cramping!

- bled through more than 6 outfits

- dr called me back to check blood loss

- fainted in his office

- earned my first ambulance ride

- ended up in the ER for the first time

- had people rushing all around me trying to figure me out

- watched my husband with helpless concern written all over his face

- earned a night in the ICU because I had lost so much blood due a few things wrong in my body that prevented my blood from clotting

- night away from kids, but less sleep (so much for having to figure out day off as a mom)

- nurses in my room almost very 15 min all night long

- more bags of junk injected into my body that I have ever experienced before

Good news is today is another day, praying my levels come back to normal so I can go home and get some rest

Laying tied down in a hospital isn't quite my idea of rest :)

Thank you to our friends and family who jumped on last night as we had to rush out, dad for leaving his meetings and other friends who came over for a bit so dad could come visit my in the hospital. Thanks to my girlfriend who works at this hospital and stopped by to sit for me for a bit.

God has taken care of so many details on our behalf and protected me through it all.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

A different plan

Things do not always go as planned.

Today I went in for a check-up, I am 16 weeks. This morning while getting dressed I was thinking how I needed to post a belly picture and brag about how I am not as big this time around. When I weighed in at the Dr I was feeling pretty proud that I had only gained a couple pounds, a significant amount less than either of my other 2 pregnancies . This breastfeeding and pregnant things isn't really that bad. I hadn't broken out the maternity pants yet, just using the good ole rubber band trick. 

I went in to the Dr today because I have been lightly bleeding the last few days. My Dr wasn't alarmed last week when I spoke about it, stating that many women have light bleeding, but we would keep an eye on it. I got in today, because I wanted to double check everything before we leave this weekend for a vacation. If I haven't stated it before, I love my family Dr who squeezed me in. My insurance has been a mess (I have a maternity rider) so I am in between providers trying to decide between Hospital/Dr and Birthing Center/Midwife.  So my family doc who does OB and deliver babies, got me in.

After checking in with the Dr and a few questions and measurements, we went upstairs to the ultrasound room. Elane (the tech) was great. We were chatting, explaining our situation and she pulled up the picture of our little baby. I could see the outline so well, it is amazing that little peanut is inside of me. 

Then it happened, Elane was quite, I was searching. I could see the baby, but I didn't see a heartbeat. I told Elane that I didn't see a heart beat, was I missing something? In the most tender voice, she said she was looking for it. She spoke to the baby like it could hear her, saying "come on, where is it?" 

That is when it hit me, our baby wasn't alive. The ife I had been dreaming about for the last few months, would not be. The tears flowed. Elane confirmed my suspicion.  The baby had stopped growing about 3 weeks earlier about 13 weeks. 

The next couple hours we waited as our Dr. spoke with a few different specialists, trying to figure out the course of action. I have a partial placenta previa, therefore I can not deliver the baby. I am too far along for a D&C, so I will be having a D&E (Dilation and Evacuation) which pretty much means the baby is too big for a D&C and some other measures need to be taken to get the baby out. Our Dr was hesitant to explain the difference when we asked, because the details of it. 

D&E's are not common and very few doctors in the area actually preform them. We will actually be having a surgeon preform the procedure who is known for doing abortions. Understandably, he is the specialist for removing a baby after the first trimester. When I heard that, my prayers is that somehow we are a witness to him of God's grace and power. 

God is so gracious in his timing. Dad was in town today for some meetings and was able to keep Payton all afternoon. The meetings (Steve was supposed to be a part of as well) were cancelled so Dad is staying with the kids tomorrow. We leave Sunday for a vacation, Steve and I alone without the kids for some of it, then time with my family. That time will be so wonderful. 

I have such peace, I believe in God's faithfulness. This baby wasn't healthy, something wasn't right, it went to heaven a little early on my clock, but I trust God's plan which is bigger than my own.

I am so appreciative of everyone who has reached out to us. When I say this, it is true for me right now. I really am ok. 

My heart hurt in that doctor's office, but maybe the rational side of me has taken over, maybe it is the confidence that my God wants what is best for me. I don't have all the answers, I don't need to. I have been laughing this evening, I have smiled watching my children play. I am so thankful for 2 healthy kiddos. 

I don't know what tomorrow holds. Physically I really shouldn't be in too much pain from the procedure, it is the emotional recovery people talk about. So tomorrow I might not be ok, but I might be. I am thankful for my husband to walk this journey with, and family and friends who have already shown their love. Mostly, I am thankful to God, for the rich blessings in my life.